Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump debate Chelsea FC’s future

Having thoroughly disqualified themselves from being president of the United States, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are now vying to succeed Michael Emenalo as Chelsea’s technical director. They stopped at a street corner near Stamford Bridge for this exclusive debate.

Moderator: Thank you for joining us. Gary Johnson has the munchies, so while he’s out eating chips, we’ll get started.

Mrs. Clinton, you were the senator from a state you never really lived in and now you want to take over a club you didn’t even know existed until 15 minutes ago. Why should we trust you with our beloved Chelsea?

Clinton: Bill and I have supported Chelsea since day one, going all the way back to 1980. We’ve used all of our connections and resources to ensure that Chelsea has nothing but the very best. Through our Foundation, we have secured Chelsea’s future as well as for her children, my lovely grandchildren, who will….

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Moderator: Excuse me, Mrs. Clinton. Are we talking about the same thing?

Clinton: Yes, I’m talking about Chelsea.

Moderator: Right, Chelsea FC. Not your daughter Chelsea.

Clinton: Your Chelsea, my Chelsea, we’ve got plenty for all the Chelsea’s. Chelsea Handler? We can put her on the payroll too. What difference, at this point, does it make?

Moderator: Mr. Trump, many of the other London clubs have or will soon have new stadiums. What are your plans for Stamford Bridge?

Trump: Have you seen my buildings, my hotels, classy, very luxurious. Only thing more beautiful than a Trump resort is a Trump daughter, have you seen her lately? Very classy. Gorgeous. Mopey Mauricio wishes he had a daughter like mine.

But let me tell you, I will build the classiest stadium in Europe. I will put a wall around it to keep out the losers from north London. A yuge wall, a beautiful wall. To keep all the winning inside. You think Failing Arsene is a failure now, wait till he sees the Trump Stadium. I’ll win so much in that stadium you’ll get tired of all the open-top bus parades.

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Moderator: How will each of you bring stability to Chelsea’s youth and transfer policy?

Clinton: As Secretary of State I met with hundreds of world leaders and business people, many of whom have already written generous checks under my staff’s watchful eye. The rest owe me favors, which they could repay in emerging and established players at a fraction of what Mourinho would have to pay for them.

In addition, Bill will be an immense help in identifying younger talent, having a sharp eye for the under-17 crowd.

Trump: Every new transfer will be required to show his long-form birth certificate before we start negotiations. Period.

I’ve heard, and this is just what people tell me, that Branislav Ivanovic and Cesc Fabregas were not even born in England. Did you know that? Little Cesc. Not English. Not even close. But here he is in the English Premier League. It makes no sense, no sense.

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Moderator: You mentioned Branislav Ivanovic, Mr. Trump. The Serbian defender recently said, “As a team we didn’t answer anything the manager asked of us.” How would you handle players who are not playing for the manager?

Trump: First let’s remember that they are playing for me. If I buy this job, they play for me.

Moderator: That’s not how this works, but…

Trump: I will tell them precisely how they will play. I’m a leader, I’ve always been a leader. I’ve never had any problem leading people. If I say do it, they’re going to do it.

Moderator: What if the results don’t come in and the managers and players implement a different formation?

Trump: They won’t refuse. They’re not gonna refuse me. Believe me.

Moderator: I just got a text that Gary Johnson is on a tour bus wearing a bearskin hat. Can we please get your final thoughts.

Trump: Does Roman Abramovich get a +1 to Vladimir Putin’s birthday party?

Clinton: Please appoint me before Barack steals another job out from under me.

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Who would you like to see replace Michael Emenalo? Preferably neither of these two. Or would you rather stick with the devil we know?