Forget shaving heads for charity, numerous Chelsea players have vanquished their hair in a protest against being defined by their lids.
In a move that has both shocked and disturbed the world, several key figures at Chelsea FC have decided to shave their heads in protest of being continuously defined by their hair.
The damage is extensive. Amongst those to have shaved away their locks are Marco Alonso, Nathan Ake, David Luiz, Willian, Nathaniel Chalobah, Michy Batshuayi and manager Antonio Conte.
In a surprise press conference, onlookers shrieked as a now bald Conte approached the microphone.
"I was bald once, and then got hair implants a few years ago, but I let the hair rule me. Many of the players felt the same. Now we are free, and hope to have the entire team bald by the end of the season."
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The entire team is decidedly not on board with such a plan. Eden Hazard has locked himself in a room to avoid the cut. Diego Costa simply got on a plane bound for China screaming about how “Aliens are taking over”. Gary Cahill, meanwhile, put on an ill-fitting bald cap before he was rumbled by his bald teammates.
Transfer targets have also immediately stopped negotiations with Chelsea. There are even reports that Arsenal and Tottenham are stepping in as “hair friendly alternatives” to Chelsea in London.
In an EXCLUSIVE and MUST READ piece, a major tabloid confirmed that Arsene Wenger is now leveraging the range of haircuts on offer at The Emirates in an attempt to negotiate lower wages for potential signings.
N’Golo Kante, already bald before “The Shavening” as it is now being called, has become something of an idol to the now bald Chelsea manager and players.
"Everyone was very happy when they showed up to training without hair. They said I inspired them, and that they were now free of combs, shampoos, and conditioners. They are crazy but have made me a nice throne, so I will not complain. Also, in case you haven’t heard, I don’t actually cover 30% of the world’s surface."
The full extent of the damage will take some time to be revealed, as all opponents remaining this season have forfeited their fixtures against Chelsea citing that the overall situation is too hairy to be involved in at the moment.
(Editor’s note: That is an awful pun.)
Nevertheless, some quick thinkers on the support staff are making something out of this bleak situation. Janitors at Cobham have gathered the fallen hair of the footballing stars and are now selling the luscious locks on eBay.
Would you be interested in purchasing some of David Luiz’s hair? Let us know in the comments and happy April Fool’s Day! Be sure to join us on Twitter for coverage of the Crystal Palace game.