Maybe Chelsea are staging all this for a Griezmann-esque reality show
By George Perry
Chelsea have a remarkable way of underwhelming their fans. Perhaps their owner’s exile and managerial stasis is all part of an elaborate reality show, soon to drop on Twitter and Netflix.
Chelsea, you sly pack of Blue dogs. Last season Manchester City allowed Amazon Prime full access to the locker room for a behind-the-scenes series. This culminated in their Premier League title with a slew of records along the way. Not wanting to be outdone but never wanting to be desperate or attention-seeking, Chelsea responded with a slow-burn, long-game riposte. “Time for Some Game Theory: Inside Stamford Bridge.”
Everything currently taking place at the club – and by everything, we mean jack s**t nothing – makes sense if there was actually a flurry of covert activity taking place inside the walls. Roman Abramovich’s investor visa. The refusal either to sack or support Antonio Conte. The total lack of outbound or inbound transfers (How are Willian and Luiz still at the club? How is anybody new not?).
If you ever thought “you couldn’t write a script so absurd,” you’re right. Only reality – reality TV, that is – could pull it off.
An unlikely source gave away the game on Thursday. Antoine Griezmann’s “Decision” video included footage shot in April as he and his family debated whether he should stay at Atletico Madrid or transfer to Barcelona. He even recorded final scenes for both outcomes, phoning the broadcaster an hour before air time to tell them which ending to air.
Amazingly, amongst all the discussions he supposedly had, no one ever bothered to question whether the whole thing was a remotely not awful idea.
So for all we know, everything we’ve seen – that is, everything we *think* we’ve seen – has just been the subterfuge during pre-production and filming. If Chelsea announce their new manager now, they will lose the drama of reaction shots from London and Italy. If we know to whom and for how little the club sold David Luiz and Willian, we won’t be heart-warmingly surprised when Oscar makes a cameo appearance to pick them up at the Shanghai airport. And if anyone were to see Dennis Rodman driving out of Cobham, there would be little drama at all when PotCoin replaces Yokohama as the kit sponsor.
The one other club tied up in so much of Chelsea’s summer intrigue is Napoli. Before buying his childhood club, Aurelio de Laurentiis made his fortune as… a film producer. A Stamford Bridge reality docudrama is a day at the beach for the man who brought Huevos de Oro to the screen.
Next: Chelsea's transfer-free Blue-print: A plan to (re)build from 48 current Blues
Chelsea fans are in your debt, Antoine Griezmann, for pulling back the curtain. Simulation season is the new silly season. Unless you, too, are in on the con. Trust no one.