There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who know what Chelsea are doing on the manager and transfer front, and those who tweet and blog about it. Know the difference, strap in and enjoy the ride.
You would probably be a bit freaked out if you went to your favourite bar or club and they kept all the lights on for the entire night. You’re there trying to do your thing, but can’t quite… get into it. The psychology of inhibition has a lot to say about all this, let alone group and mating behaviours. But the simple fact is some things are just better when you’re in the dark.
Like being a football fan. In particular, a Chelsea fan during a summer window like this one. We’re all in the dark. Whether you wear Blue, bleed Blue or even have that little blue checkmark next to your Twitter handle, unless you have Marina Gronovskaia in your contacts, you’re in the dark. Just like the rest of us. Embrace it. Enjoy it.
Chelsea’s managerial situation has supplanted all transfer talk this summer. With the exception of Aleksandr Golovin, the manager rumours have driven the transfer rumours. For want of a Maurizio Sarri, the Blues are in want of Elseid Hysaj, Daniele Rugani, Piotr Zielinski and the rest of the Empoli-Napoli alumni association. Beyond the transfer talk, though, the manager chatter has taken on a life of its own. And with the Premier League season coming to an end over a month ago, the golem has had enough time to start an industry and spawn children.
At least twice a week, every week for the past month, some journalist claiming to have high level sources inside Stamford Bridge has tweeted about Chelsea being 48 hours away from confirming Maurizio Sarri. It’s always 48 hours. Never tomorrow. Never after the weekend. Never Thursday, even if it’s Tuesday. 48 hours. It’s the woke 8-year old of the Sarri countdown meme. Something special happens when “48 hours” appears in a tweet.
Their sources are as good as yours, which is to say they are as non-existent as yours. They are every bit as in the dark as the rest of us. But unlike us, they’re afraid of it. Instead of going along and having a good time, they hallucinate. Sometimes they might even induce the hallucination. The illusion of knowledge is the precursor to the illusion of control.
And so we have Louise Mensch’s brothers-in-spirit tweeting about countdowns, meetings in London restaurants, sightings in European airports and off-site rendezvous between agents. Shadowy figures are always in action, the pieces are always moving into place, consummation is always nigh within the next 48 hours. Before long, Alfredo Pedulla will be regretfully tweeting that the Marshal of Stamford Bridge is about to escort Antonio Conte off the premises and turn him over to Her Majesty’s Secret Service for immediate rendition to Russia… in 48 hours.
In a way, you almost have to give them credit. Each new tweet is only possible because all of the previous tweets were wrong. If anything, their 100% failure rate encourages them to do it more (the cycle of addiction) and induces previously credible people to join in (the cycle of FOMO).
If only they could laugh at their mistakes like Michy Batshuayi does. Instead of doubling-down, own the self-own. If they won’t, you do it for them. The next time you see a 48 hour tweet, have fun with it. Especially ours. That’s what they’re there for. McBain intoning “That’s the joke” is implied with every tweet. There. That cat’s out of the bag, not that there was ever much of cat. Or a bag.
Next: Group stage player ratings: Bad things happen to good Blues
When Chelsea FC post an article, photo and video to their digital media, we’ll know who the manager is and which players will wear Blue for the first time next season. Until then, don’t be afraid of the dark. It’s good honest fun. We have cookies. And we like to party.