Chelsea lost the game of strikers they played in the January transfer window

Chelsea shuffled three strikers around January in Europe, playing a hand in the movements of a fourth. At best, the Blues broke even, which in transfer terms means they lost.

Chelsea did their best to keep everyone happy in January. Maurizio Sarri was satisfied, at least at first. Alvaro Morata was relieved, then happy and now seems ecstatic. Gonzalo Higuain seemed happy enough to reunite with Sarri, at least at first. Michy Batshuayi always comes across as happy. AC Milan was certainly happy to unload Higuain, opening up a spot for Krzysztof Piatek, who made them even more happy. Piatek’s departure left Genoa in a spiral of despair, so they are not too pleased about Chelsea’s striker machinations in the winter.

Of course, happiness only matters in football when the Happy One is involved. Chelsea may have brought a lot of smiles to a few clubs and players, but they lost the January game of strikers.

Gonzalo Higuain ended up being a less fit, less attractive, less productive, slightly less whiny, male pattern baldness, Argentinian version of Alvaro Morata. Higuain arrived under the promises of an instant impact given his clinical finishing (from several years ago) and his knowledge of Maurizio Sarri’s system (also from several years ago, but – unlike footballers – Sarriball does not age, as aging implies changing, such as Higuain’s hairline).

Higuain scored five goals in 1,313 minutes for Chelsea. This is fewer goals from a worse minutes per goal ratio than Alvaro Morata had in the first half of the season: six goals and one assist in 1,211. Higuain’s second half not only compares unfavourably to Morata’s first half, but to his own. Higuain scored eight goals and three assists in 1,861 minutes for AC Milan before decamping to London.

That’s an important fact to keep in mind. Remember, any talk about Alvaro Morata’s success at Atletico Madrid and / or his struggles at Chelsea always comes back to “The Premier League is the hardest league in Europe. He’s not cut out for it. He’s suitable for La Liga.” Well, let me tell you about another striker who was not able to pass the mustard in the hardest league in Europe despite success over the years in La Liga and Serie A. He’s a less fit, less attractive, slightly less whiny…

One striker who did much better in the Premier League than La Liga was Michy Batshuayi, who had an administrative layover with Chelsea in January between a first half in Valencia and a second half at Crystal Palace.

Batshuayi scored six goals in 921 minutes for Crystal Palace. Playing on a worse team than Chelsea with absolute dinosaur tactics, the Belgian matched the output and rocked the minutes per goal of the two men who wore Blue instead of him this season. And of his five league goals, only one came against a side that would be relegated.

Even so, Chelsea were not truly the biggest loser. That would be Genoa.

Genoa climbed as high as eighth place this season with Piatek leading their offence. They were in 14th place when he left, and held a steady run at 13th for several weeks. Week 28 started a steady, week-by-week decline through the penultimate week of the season, which put them in the relegation zone with one game remaining. The unusual series of tiebreakers used to determine standing in Serie A meant that a final day goalless draw to Fiorentina allowed Genoa to finish in 17th place, tied on points with 18th-place Empoli but with the head-to-head advantage.

The whole point of doing transfer business is improving your team. Whether you get a “better” player is irrelevant if that player does not put your team in a better position. One may be a whiner and one may be overweight. One may blow dry his fiance’s hair and the other may get involved in a strop in training the night before a European final. Your mileage may vary.

In the final tally, Gonzalo Higuain did not do any more for Chelsea than Alvaro Morata did, nor did he offer anything less quantifiable off the ball as Olivier Giroud does. AC Milan and Crystal Palace got the benefits Chelsea turned down from Krzysztof Piatek and Michy Batshuayi. In fairness, Piatek would have been a risk given Serie A’s penchant for producing one-season wonder strikers.

Higuain’s legacy, like so much else from the 2018/19, is found in the degradation of discourse around the club. If not for Higuain, we may never have been treated to the statistic of “stolen assists.”