Chelsea should just skip ahead and sign Kylian Mbappe already

It is transfer rumor season so the thinnest of reasons leads Chelsea towards signing players. Following the same lines, the Blues are signing Kylian Mbappe.

Chelsea can buy players again and is loaded with cash. How much cash? Enough to buy a new left back, center back, winger, striker, goal keeper, stadium, yacht, and a pizza party apparently. A quick look at Twitter shows that the possibilities are limitless. Limitless!

But it is not enough for the Blues to simply buy just any player. There is certain criteria that makes them vastly better targets than other players. Things like stats, facts, or whatever else? That is all nonsense. The true sign of an excellent target falls into a few narrow parameters.

Does the player play for another team? The grass is truly always greener. Are they moderately available for some reason or another? If so what is the holdup? And do they have a previous connection to Chelsea, no matter how tentative? They will jump at the chance to sign for the Blues. All together, these three criteria yield but one conclusion. Not Jadon Sancho or Nathan Ake. That is small time thinking. Chelsea should skip those extra steps and just get the signing of Kylian Mbappe out of the way and over with.

Crazy? No, it just follows the same lines of logic that Sancho and Ake follow. Obviously all three play for another team, and because of that, they must immediately be better than the options the Blues already have available. After all, who cares about the likes of Tammy Abraham, Callum Hudson-Odoi, or Fikayo Tomori when there is literally anyone new that could fill in.

Sancho is available because Dortmund was real mean to him when he showed up late for training or returning from break. Very rude of them to not let him live his life. Ake is available because Chelsea put a buy back clause on him when he went back to Bournemouth a few years ago. Mbappe is already getting the itch to get out of Paris Saint Germain and go somewhere a little more visible.

But those reasons are nothing compared to the last one. They just let any old club put their put in the door. Chelsea gets through the door, stretches out on the coach, and grinds mud all over it because of their previous connection to these players.

Sancho was allegedly a boyhood Chelsea fan. Were he a Manchester United fan in his youth, would Chelsea fans care? Probably not nearly as much. Ake was in Chelsea’s academy and was brought into the first team briefly before mean ole Antonio Conte kicked him back out. Despite being statistically on par with Chelsea’s current defenders, he would come in and become the new Virgil van Dijk such is the power of a blue kit. Oh and Mbappe? Well he trialed at Chelsea briefly and finally got his picture with Didier Drogba. That picture will have meant so much that if Chelsea called he would surely force the move.

Fans are just dipping their toes in the water with calls for Sancho and Ake, even if one is low priority and the other just a big enough increase on what Chelsea already has. The Blues should just skip all those steps and go full out for Mbappe because that makes as much sense as anything else.

Transfer rumor season is back. Why do it half way? Lean into the crazy and assume every single rumor seen on Twitter is totally real. Even this completely crazy, satirical article is real if you believe. Or something.