Frank Lampard had to answer idiotic questions about the idiotic reports that Chelsea have a list of eight first-team players they will sell this summer. Even Chelsea fans deserve better than the accredited media.
If Frank Lampard can bench a £72 million goalkeeper for two Premier League top-four clashes and a Champions League Round of 16 game, and if Roman Abramovich can pay millions of pounds to get rid of managers he doesn’t want and still be paying one off after that man’s replacement has already left, then Chelsea can start revoking media credentials on the grounds that their imbecility and incompetence go far beyond anyone’s worst assessment of Kepa Arrizabalaga or Antonio Conte. At least Lampard can turn to Willy Caballero and Abramovich can bring in Maurizio Sarri to replace Conte and Lampard to replace Sarri. For the poor overworked manager, he’s never replacing those moments he loses responding to the dimwitted hacks in the press room.
When Frank Lampard could have been talking to his physio team about Tammy Abraham or sitting down for another video session with Jody Morris or grabbing a cup of tea with a few players and checking in about their families, he had to answer vapid questions about his relationship with Kepa Arrizabalaga and the reports of a eight-man axe-list for the summer.
Let’s start with the latter. First, that rumour may have originated at the The Sun. Self-righteous journalists from non-Sun outlets will be the first to mount their high horse about English football’s most disreputable tabloid, yet they give it credibility by bringing it into the press room. If The Sun is never to be trusted, why ask?
Second, what did they expect Frank Lampard to say? Yes, it’s true, here are their names? No, it’s not true, we’re only axing seven players – I’ll let you guess which one is staying? Or maybe they were hoping he’d go full Lampard: “There a lot of rumours going around, and while I might like to take an axe to some of these players, haha, but seriously, no, I never condone violence, not even metaphorically and these decisions are out of my hands anyway.”
Same thing on the Kepa question: What did they expect him to say? “The lad’s a right bloody pr**k. Maurizio should have put a cigarette out on his forehead for that Wembley bulls**t he pulled. I told Marina I will personally pay out of pocket to cover the losses on his transfer fee to Zorya Luhansk just so long as I don’t have to see that son of a b***h next season.”
Over three years ago, I wrote this:
"Look, we understand the need for #content as much as anyone. But wasting his time and your opportunity by asking Conte about back-page tabloid rumours insults him, the fans and those of us who will never hold a press credential from Chelsea FC."
Still true, just change the name.
Over the last year or so, Chelsea has shown a remarkable willingness to change how they do things.
Part of the change has been the willingness to enforce a meritocracy and the necessary desire to be at the club. If your efforts and performances are not worthy of a start, you won’t start, no matter how much you cost. And if you don’t want to be at the club with this manager abiding by the club’s standards, Chelsea will sell you to Arsenal and move on before you can say “Olympiacos.”
It’s time to bring that same mentality to the press room. The pantomime journalism will continue until the beatings improve. If there’s any eight that are worthy of the axe…