Chelsea player ratings: A tribute to 3, our shirt sponsor and new curse
Chelsea opened up the ‘3’ era with a devastating performance at West Ham. In honor of the Blues’ new sponsor, here’s player ratings on a 3-point scale.
As Bob Dorough and the wonderful folks at Schoolhouse Rock taught millions around the globe for decades—three is a magic number. The number three was a symbol of new beginnings, opportunities and ultimately, a team’s demise. Wednesday was supposed to be fantastic; one of the best days in recent memory for Chelsea fans. The Blues could’ve jumped Leicester City and established themselves as near-UCL spot locks. Further, the club released its new kits and Timo Werner and Hakim Ziyech officially became Chelsea players. Alas, three ruined the day.
The Blues released their 2020/21 home kits hours before their match against West Ham. The club’s new sponsorship deal with Three UK—a British telecommunications group—saw the ushering in of a new era in the world of football fashion. However, the No. 3, the focal-point of Chelsea’s home kits for the near future, didn’t only represent a new stylistic shift. It also represented the amount of goals the Blues came within inches of scoring, the amount of points they eventually dropped, the place they could’ve been in the table with a win, the number of times West Ham rattled the back of their net and ironically enough, the amount of introductory paragraphs in this article.
In honor of the symbolism surrounding the number and the curse centered around the brand spankin’ new sponsor, we decided to rate the Chelsea players in their abysmal performance at the London Stadium. But, these are not traditional ratings. These player report cards are on a 3-point scale; a good-bad-ugly, if you will.
Kepa Arrizabalaga (Goalkeeper): 3
Arrizabalaga had one good save. Aside from that, he could’ve easily let in four or five goals. On every West Ham scoring play, Arrizabalaga froze up and looked absolutely lost when it mattered most. Help us, Andre Onana; you’re our only hope.
Cesar Azpilicueta (Right back): 6
Azpilicueta was the least worst defender today. He allowed the first goal, but whoever assigned the Spaniard to mark somebody six inches taller than him should be sacked in the morning, so the captain was hardly at fault. Nothing good; nothing too terrible. Unfortunately, that was good enough to get Azpilicueta a solid rating compared to a majority of his teammates.
Andreas Christensen (Centerback): -3
To put it simply, Christensen sucked. He channeled his inner David Luiz, making boneheaded positioning errors and falling asleep while ball watching. He contained Michail Antonio fairly well in the first quarter of the match, but each mistake snowballed into an even larger screw up as the match progressed. If Christensen starts at the weekend, Chelsea fans may just riot—and rightfully so.
Antonio Rudiger (Centerback): -3
Rudiger had a fantastic first 45 minutes. He was one of the best players on the pitch until first-half injury time saw him concede a pointless corner on a careless clearance. The set-piece saw West Ham equalize and much like Christensen, it was all downhill from there. One of the worst performances from a centerback duo in years at Chelsea. Say it with me: negative three.
Marcos Alonso (Left back): 3
Poetry in motion. No. 3 scores a three due to his lack of positional awareness on, you guessed it, West Ham’s third goal. Need I say more?