Bold predictions for Chelsea and the Premier League in 2020/21

Who will score the goal of the season and how?

Vansh: Kai Havertz scores the goal of the season against Arsenal. Kepa Arrizabalaga comes out to catch a corner (a trick he learnt in his one-on-one tuition class with Petr Cech). He rolls the ball into the path of Havertz, who then goes on to rush past Aubameyang (who rolls over and appeals for a foul). Havertz continues running and nutmegs Granit Xhaka. Finally, Havertz reaches the box and runs past Gabriel. Havertz takes a shot at Bernd Leno, and David Luiz ends up tackling his own keeper.

Scott: Goal of the season goes to Antonio Rudiger. The man is very clumsy, sometimes I wonder if he’s on skates and no one realizes. So, I could imagine him going on a long run from the center of the park, as he closes in on the box he begins to stumble and lays his foot into the ball sending a screamer passed the keeper and though the net. Only Rudiger could turn an absolute cluster into goal of the season.

Varun: Declan Rice nutmegs Mount, goes past five Chelsea players, turns around and scores a 90-yard own goal. He proceeds to remove his jersey and reveal his “London Is Blue” tattoo along with a somewhat awkward “Mason Is Mine” tattoo which he quickly covers up. West Ham is officially relegated and Chelsea crowned champions, which activates the Lampard Clause in Rice’s contract makes him a Chelsea player retrospectively since 5th September 2020. It also forces West Ham to also buy Jorginho and Danny Drinkwater for 100 million per leg, bankrupting and disbanding the club in the process. Marina has done it again.

Matthew: Eberichi Eze. In an abysmal season for the south-London side (based on how their previous one ended) Eze produces a bit of magic on the final day. After picking up the ball at the halfway line, the forward glides past player of the year contender Virgil Van Dijk, curling an unstoppable effort into the top corner in the 89th minute, tearing the title away from the defending champions.

Gabe: Jay Rodriguez will hit an absolute worldie from 30-35 yards out; it’ll be a sublime curling hit against Chelsea. Kepa Arrizabalaga will be starting in goal (for some reason) and will watch the ball fly into the top corner as he did with Wilfried Zaha’s last season. His feet will be planted to the spot as he’s left picking a savable ball out the back of the net. Rodriguez scores in the dying minutes of the match to steal the headlines. The Burnley bench erupts as it is finally rewarded for all of the team’s efforts throughout the match. Chelsea 5 Burnley 1, final.

Nate Hofmann: This is easy because we basically watched it happen last season. Ziyech directly from a corner. He already scored from a freekick that was essentially on the corner spot at Stamford Bridge in that wild 4-4 Champions League match. It was among the finest goals Chelsea have ever conceded. Granted, if we’re being pedantic, Kepa Arrizabalaga’s face was the actual goal scorer, but the point still stands. Ziyech has the skill and the gloriously irrational confidence to go for it on a concerningly regular basis, and the law of large numbers suggests it’ll eventually happen. Bend it like Beckham? More like Hook it like Hakim. Ok, ok, I’ll leave.

Nathaniel Kay: Olivier Giroud, because he only scores elegant goals. FA Cup semi-final vs Tottenham, Giroud replaces Mateo Kovacic in the 80th minute as Lampard throws caution to the wind to try snatch a late winner. Silver sprays an inch-perfect pass out to Ben Chilwell, who brings it down on his chest and plays a neat 1-2 with Christian Pulisic as the left back drives infield. Chilwell then finds the feet of Ziyech on the edge of the area, who dinks a delicate ball over the defense and Giroud, on the half volley, smashes his shot off the underside of the cross bar.

Wilfred: 94th minute. 2-2 at the Emirates. Hakim Ziyech whips in a cross, Timo Werner attacks it with a bullet header. David Luiz, with some would-be heroics, manages to get his head on it with an impressive goal-line leap. But his header crashes into the bar, ricocheting onto the unsuspecting face of Willian, who’s only there thanks to a timely nudge from Kai Havertz. Pandemonium in the away end. Tears from the Latte Boys. Alopecia for Arteta.

Michael: North London Derby, 85th minute. Hugo Lloris is injured in a freak collision with Davinson Sanchez, and Joe Hart is forced into his first action of the season. After Nicolas Pepe attempts to elastico through four defenders, he loses the ball out of play for a goal kick. Hart, thinking quickly, kicks the advertisement board to get the attention of Jose Mourinho’s favorite ball boy, who tosses him a new ball. While everyone is walking back slowly with their heads down and Leno is drinking water facing away from the goal, Hart launches the goal kick the length of the pitch into Arsenal’s net, giving Tottenham fans their only sense of joy of the entire season.

Olaoluwa: Come on we all know who it is right? Ross Barkley. Of course, it’s Barkley. It’ll be a game against Liverpool. Chelsea would be under immense pressure, then he’ll pick up the ball in his own half, knock it past Fabinho, who would react slowly, then get into a foot race with Virgil Van Dijk, the Liverpool key man will confidently try to tackle Barkley but will miss his step and fall. Barkley will then run at Liverpool’s goal post to face an overconfident Alisson. Alisson will stand his ground but it wouldn’t matter. Barkley will blast the ball into the top right corner of the net to put Chelsea 2-0 up in the 87th minute.

Abhishek: Jorginho. The Brazitalian midfield maestro intercepts the ball deep in his own half, passes it back to a defender who promptly sends it back to him. Surrounded by opposition players and with nowhere to go, something clicks inside Jorginho. The long dormant Brazilian joga bonito gene is activated. So is Jorginho’s peripheral vision. And so are the muscles in his neck, which stopped him from ever looking around before making a pass. There’s a twinkle in his eye now, and a toothy smile reminiscent of the greatest Brazilian/Paraguayan playmaker. With one swift move Jorginho rainbow flicks the ball over one opposition player, pirouettes around another, darts between two more and finds himself facing only two centerbacks and the goalkeeper. He shimmies to his left, leaving one centerback on his arse, while the other one turns around and jumps into the stands to avoid the same humiliation. With only the goalkeeper to beat, Jorginho hits the cross bar with a trivela, leaving the goalkeeper gasping for air and begging for respite. As the ball bounces off the woodwork and back towards him, Jorginho finishes what he started with the greatest bicycle kick of all time. And then all the cultists applaud.

Kevin: Given he’s going to have an outstanding season, Arrizabalaga tops it off with a goal scored from midway in his own half. Seeing some other hapless keeper off his line when he’s in full-on Manuel Neuer mode and the ball loops in off the crossbar.

Charlie: Hakim Ziyech will send in about 200 deep crosses from the right flank over the course of the season. The odds dictate that eventually, if repeated enough, someone will scorpion kick one of them into the top corner. This man will be Christian Pulisic, the game will be at home against Leeds. Ziyech will skin whichever poor soul is playing left back, probably Stuart Dallas, and float one across the box. Pulisic will channel his inner bald eagle and fly onto it before connecting with his heal and sending it into the top corner.

Vishnu: Werner. Ziyech with a long ball, Hudson-Odoi tries to head it towards the goal, but does completely opposite but falls right into Werner.

Barrett: Kai Havertz

Oliver: Jack Grealish, kind of. As with everything that happens at Aston Villa, it has to go through the young Englishman and their captain Jack Grealish. Grealish will pick up the ball about 10 yards on his side of the halfway line, forced to track back to collect the ball and do something with it, and he will play some cute one-twos with a few players whose names aren’t Jack Grealish. Grealish will toy with the poor opposing midfielder and get clipped, but time his roll on the ground perfectly to spring up and collect the aforementioned one-two he played just moments ago. Then with a Gareth Bale esque burst of pace he will dart down the touchline, leaving the field of play before appearing out of nowhere, you guessed it, picking up the return of another of his one-twos. A number of step overs later, some expert shielding of the ball while his teammates take a drinks break, two outshone midfielders and three embarrassed defenders later Grealish will be on the edge of the box, cueing up the shot only to get scythed down Vinnie Jones style. The ball will roll to a Villa player not called Jack Grealish and he’ll pop it in the back of the net and celebrate in the corner.

Yi Hao: As part of his resurgence as one of the world’s best shot-stoppers in his third season with the club, a confident Arrizabalaga comes out of his six-yard box to claim a high, floating ball into the box from Trent Alexander-Arnold. He then drop-kicks the ball straight out to Pulisic who deftly brings the ball under control and rolls it into the path of Kai Havertz. The German does not even need to take a look up to ascertain where Ziyech is before hitting a sweet cross-field ball to Chelsea’s new 22. With the ball yet to even touch the ground, the Moroccan volleys it over the top for Werner to chase and the season’s leading top scorer smashes the ball into the top right corner of A. Becker’s goal from the left side of the box. The game then ends 5-3 to Chelsea at Anfield, with the Blues finally breaking Liverpool’s long-running unbeaten record at home.

Travis: After watching the entirety of the Tottenham documentary, the players grow upset that Jose Mourinho hijacked the show. That comes to a head in march when Mourinho is sacked after a string of poor performances. In the first game afterwards, Harry Kane (who had been dropped by Mourinho) scores in the 92nd minute with a fantastic finish that has pundits proclaiming Tottenham is back. He jumps into the crowd and the fans go wild as Tottenham takes a point.