My campaign to be Chelsea Technical Director

With Chelsea doing very little in the transfer window, Barrett Rouen lays out his manifesto as he campaigns to become the Blues’ technical director, taking you through how he would conduct business.

Today I officially announce my campaign for Chelsea FC’s technical director position. Here is my offer: I would like a 3 year contract with a club option of three more. The first three years I will work for free. Following that I would like a median salary calculated from the top three technical directors in each of the top four leagues in Europe.

I’ll stay either at my family home in London or happily achieve my dream of living in an executive suite at Stamford Bridge with the coolest view in London. That is of course until moving to the King’s Road permanently.

I guarantee over the course of those six years that Chelsea will win at least 3 titles and a Champions League. Though I will discuss this with Antonio Conte, I harbor ambitions to build the first three-peat winning Champions League side and I do believe truly that it is possible. But hush, hush let’s not rudely speak of such ambitions yet.

It’s the 8th day since the transfer window opened and the only signing that Chelsea have made is a rusty barn door – sorry, Willy Caballero. Arsenal have broken their transfer record. That’s right, Arsenal have spent more money than Chelsea. The kings of cheap, the titans of titillation without reward, the misers of their own fans misery have spent more than the Blues.

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Manchester United have at least bought Victor Lindelof (didn’t Conte say he needed a CB who was good on the ball and tall?) and have almost finalized a deal for Conte’s number one target Romelu Lukaku. Manchester City have strengthened as well.

Liverpool have added two players (with Chelsea connections mind you) and yet Chelsea sit staring at their recent league title making the same bloody damn mistake they have done the last two times they won it. No more! I will not stand still and quiet and let my beloved Blues be run moronically, nonsensically, haphazardly no longer.

Transfer Window Day 8

Captain’s Log: Bleak AF

At 6:30 am today I would be waking up in Turin, I would put on my suit and club blazer before catching a train to the Fermata 171- Sansovino stop near the offices of Juventus CEO Giuseppe Marotta. I’d stop along the way to bring pastries. After all it is a morning meeting and you can’t negotiate with a person who loathes you be it from hunger or otherwise.

After admiring the trophies and historical importance of Juventus in their showroom, Mr. Marotta and I would meet and shake hands. We would then get down to business.

Do Chelsea particularly need a new left wing-back? Not in my opinion. But part of the technical director’s Job is to put his manager in the best possible position to succeed. That means often supporting him, believing in him and giving him the tools necessary to meet the common goals you have hopefully agreed on in advance.

Pick your battles. Adding the best left-back since Roberto Carlos is not one worth winning and, besides, what is the cost? Not getting a good player? Conte would like his new Champions League Chelsea to be more fluid and attacking. Alex Sandro could help with that. Get it done.

It’s interesting that my predecessor, Michael Emenalo, found a way to lose Juan Cuadrado to Juventus without getting anything in return.

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For Sandro, to close the deal today, I would happily go to £65 million. A five-year contract with an option for a 6th. A lot for a defender, granted. But it is not always as much about saving money as building a team. The highest earning team in the world is Real Madrid, they think firstly of winning secondly of balancing the books. At least Mr. Emenalo sold a lot of people in advance. Credit where it’s due, now if only our opponents weren’t all stronger with former Chelsea players. Credit not due.

I’d register an interest in a double deal for Paulo Dybala but believe that Juventus aren’t ready for that kind of statement today. But a deal at £160 million for both in one day is what I would offer. Juventus make the money, Chelsea get the necessary press, the squad reaches an elite level and the two needs are filled.

That said, Juventus don’t want to sell Dybala and it will be nearly impossible for me to get him, for now. So, the offer is just a charming half-serious one to make Marotta laugh but we both know, I’ll be back.

Following the conclusion of that deal I’d shoot Conte a text on my way over to Torino. Why leave Turin without truly conquering it? Conte wanted Andrea Bellotti at the beginning of the window but paying £86 million for a striker with only one good season in him is ridiculous.

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The deal at Torino for Bellotti is this: £50 million up front with Jake Clarke-Salter and Charly Musonda on loan. Their loans are contingent on playing time and if both make 30 appearances per season Chelsea will add an extra million per player who does so. If not we will recall them.

Another £20 million for Bellotti after 40 goals competitively and another £12.5m and £10m for the 60 goal and 100 appearance mark respectively. That makes the deal £72.5m plus two quality players in positions Torino are weak. Chelsea, meanwhile, also reap the benefit of our youth players learning from the tactical and technical university that is Italian football.

However, what if the offer isn’t accepted? More than that would simply be too ridiculous. One good season? Sorry. Can’t do it, even if Serie A is the hardest league to score in Europe. No player is worth Paul Pogba money not even that majestic player himself.

Wow 3:00pm where did the day go?

A flight to Napoli will be an important one to catch. But impossible given the time of day. Audible then – we can’t be stuck in the mud as the transfer window is quickly burning away and this isn’t a game. I want more titles than Manchester United by the time I’m dead.

Luckily for me Alitalia flies to Rome at 4:50pm which should get me on the ground in the Eternal City by 6:00 .I can run over to the Roma Termini train station and catch the 6:40 Trenitalia number 9641 to Naples and be there by 7:50.

Just in time to catch a shower, change into my midnight blue (ALWAYS REP HARD) tuxedo to meet my counterpart and the architect of Napoli’s resurgence Aurelio Di Laurentiis for dinner at Palazzo Petrucci in the city’s Piazza San Domenico.

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I have always loved Naples. I like the attitude and the rough and tumble nature. I actually like that every single tourist on their “OMG Insta Selfie” treat-Europe-like-Disneyland trip doesn’t like it and most importantly I like that Naples doesn’t care if they do. What a place!

Di Laurentiis is a tough negotiator but it’s not for no reason. His position at Napoli, like mine at Chelsea, is a labour of love. He is a Napoli supporter and wants what is best for his club. That is something we can relate on. Simple. Why would he take insult after low-balling insult for a player he knows is world class.

Emenalo liked to make a habit of insulting other clubs’ officials with offers well below market value. As if the real sport was to ruin relationships and alienate his own football club from the world of the elite European clubs. Chelsea need not suffer from that maddening attitude anymore.

I’d give him a poster of the first film he produced La Mazzetta (1978) (a funny little crime caper for those of you who are interested by the way) and then I’d buy Laurentiis wine. Dinner, of course, is on us. The linguine con anguilla affumicata is supposed to be the best in Southern Italy so of course why not have two?

We just paid £65 million for a left-back – we can of course pay that for a central defender. I’d offer him that for the hard as nails stallion of a center-back that is Kalidou Koulibaly. Sure he’d think about it, he’d want more. But that is a fair value. I don’t know how Emenalo could think if clubs are paying £47.5 million for John Stones that he can offer less for actual good defenders.

We want Koulibaly because he’s quality, not for the sake of it. On the market you need to pay for that type of player and so we would. We’d agree terms with Koulibaly’s agent the following day but Di Laurentiis and I would perhaps discuss the merits of Italian cinema till the late evening before saying good-bye.

One single day and yes a lot of money spent. But Chelsea are better off and the thought of the new season is no longer so disturbing and daunting. I’d get some rest and prepare for my 6am flight to Monaco. There are two young men there named Kylian Mbappe and Tiemoue Bakayoko who could be very interesting in Blue.

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Alas, we’ll see about that tomorrow. Now is a date with a king size bed and some Egyptian linens while a cool Amalfi breeze blows salty Mediterranean air through the window. Being Chelsea’s technical director really isn’t as difficult a job as some would make it look, but then again some people really do just want to ruin a good thing.