Songs for Chelsea: Who’s Iron Man, and who should Get Up Off That Thing?

4. Roman Abramovich: “Behind Blue Eyes,” Limp Bizkit (Abhishek Pancholi)

This song captures the mood of the big guy, Roman Abramovich, as he makes yet another call to Bruce Buck, asking him to relay the bad news to another Chelsea manager. Most of us think he is a ruthless capitalist who rules over the club with an iron fist.

But has anyone ever thought how disappointed he must be when he decides to cut the gaffer loose? This one’s for you, Mr. A.

No one knows what it’s like to be the bad man / To be the sad man / Behind blue eyes / And no one knows what it’s like to be hated / To be faded to telling only lies… No one bites back as hard on their anger / None of my pain and woe can show through…

5. Diego Costa and Antonio Conte: “Somebody That I Used to Know,” Gotye (George Perry)

Two people fueled to totally and purely by passion can’t go on forever and it can’t end quietly, but while it’s at it’s best, good g-d in heaven it’s every drug rolled into one.

Now and then I think of when we were together / Like when you said you felt so happy you could die

That’s six months of Diego Costa and Antonio Conte. En route to the Premier League title in 2016/17, Costa had the fury and aggression for victory that Conte once had the pitch and had in a different form but undiminished amount on the touchline. Costa manifested Conte’s spirit, and the looks and embraces they shared after Chelsea’s many wins showed the intensity of these brothers-in-arms.

But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

Then Costa strayed. An offer from China at the peak of the China Super League’s voracious transfer activity pulled Costa’s attention.

But you didn’t have to cut me off / Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. And I don’t even need your love / But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough

Conte got wind of the emotional infidelity, and it did not take long before the training ground row and the epitaph Costa could “go to China.”

No you didn’t have to stoop so low / Have your friends collect your records and then change your number / I guess that I don’t need that though

They were never the same after that. Chelsea sold Diego Costa to Atletico Madrid, with everyone knowing he would not be able to play the first half of the season because Atletico was under a registration ban. Chelsea brought in Alvaro Morata, who could never come close to matching who Costa was to Conte as a player, even had he matched the goals.

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over. But had me believing it was always something that I’d done / But I don’t wanna live that way

Antonio Conte struggled through the next season before getting sacked, and then had a year away from football. Costa played only 16 games in La Liga for Atletico last season and 11 so far this season. If Inter Milan meet Atletico Madrid in the Champions League next season, when the teams pass by each other in the tunnel:

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.

6. Chelsea’s academy graduates: “Taare Zameen Par,” (Varun Dani)

Yeh to hain sardi mein dhoop ki kirnein
Utre jo aangan ko sunehara sa kar dein
Man ke andheron ko roshan sa kar dein
Thithurti hatheli ki rangat badal dein
Kho na jaayein yeh.. taare zameen par

Translation: They are like the sunrays during winter, / Which descend in our courtyard, / They brighten up our gloomy hearts, / They change the colour of our palms, / May these stars don’t get lost on earth

A bit of Bollywood to diversify this piece, this song is dedicated to all your favourite Chelsea academy graduates who are hoping to make the grade at the club.

Most Indians, Bollywood fans or not, have watched Taare Zameen Par. It’s just that kind of a movie you have to watch. A highly inspirational story about the “special” kids of this country and, indeed, the world.

The song strikes an emotional cord about the need to handle them delicately to help them blossom, which quite aptly resonates with Chelsea fans and our desire for the “special” academy graduates to succeed at the club.

7. Olivier Giroud: “Get Up Off That Thing,” James Brown (Scott Brant)

Giroud could benefit by throwing this jam on and following its directions. Get up off that thing, and dance till you feel better.

The thing he is getting up off of is the bench, obviously. And he’s dancing till he feels better about not playing, because I believe Chelsea are still going to need the Frenchman, and I would love for him to dance a bit to relieve that pressure.

Giroud can obviously not be happy, regardless of his professionalism. His spirits are undoubtedly low. But with Michy Batshuayi struggling and Tammy Abraham likely to gas out at some point, his presence and finishing will be called upon.

There is no better song to make you happy and get ya moving, unless you dance like me, then not only am I having a good time, but everyone else is while laughing at me.

So Olivier Giroud, I know you’re reading this. Get up off that thing, and dance till you feel better, and try to release that pressure.